For those avid followers who have trouble distinguishing our writing styles, this is David.
I am often asked, "David, what was it like to hear God's call on your life? How did it happen and how were you so sure it was real?" Nothing can answer the latter of those questions more than what happened yesterday on my way home.
My day started out as it normally does. I woke up, did my morning calisthenics and began my day. As I said, everything felt normal. I walked to school. I taught some children. I threw random objects at other children. It was all the same ole same ole. That was until I started on my way home...
It was a cloudy day with a high probability for rain, so I brought my umbrella to school. I am particularly proud of this umbrella as it is the first I have ever owned. It is fairly large and has a long handle with a hook at the end. I chose this umbrella for two reasons: it was only $3 and the curved handle made it into a cool walking stick for days like yesterday. Days when the threat of rain turned out to be Mother Nature’s poker face fooling me once again. Under normal circumstances rain is welcomed to my day; however, with the two mile journey home I was satisfied to have the rain withheld if only for a half hour. This dry time of reflection also allowed me to practice my air sword fighting skills. My swoops and stabs were only hindered by an approaching passerby who would stare in amazement at the would-be sword fighter who suddenly went from thrusting his umbrella to inspecting the handle to make sure it was sturdy. I went on this way for the first part of my walk, thrusting and inspecting stabbing and checking, until I reached a busy intersection where I was outnumbered by “passerby” assailants. Although my physical actions were limited to walking, in my mind I was continuing my sparring match with unknown attackers. All the while my ipod was playing a myriad of shuffled inspirations. Lyrics like, “…Back off, I’ll take you on.” Mixed with “I consider it a challenge to all men that ‘I never lose’,” made my friendly skirmish escalate to a battle royal. Soon, my physical actions won over and even my music seemed to surrender as it replaced my encouragement with love songs and ballads by George Strait and the likes.
My expedition home was now half way complete, when I noticed an elderly woman walking alone down a quiet sidewalk. She was struggling with a bag of groceries in one hand and an oversized purse on the opposite shoulder. The site of the woman was enough to inspire any Good Samaritan; however, the language barrier was enough to counter the inspiration. I pictured my “Good Samaritan” stance transforming into a “Bad Criminal” appearing to overtake this small woman for what little she had. I would attempt to mutter, “Can I help you?” but all that would come out would be a series of grunts and pointing at her groceries like a gorilla in the zoo asking for peanuts. I chose not to help the woman and only watched as she came closer, now around 30 yards from my location. Suddenly another man appeared behind the woman. He was younger, I would assume about 18 years old. He was only a few inches shorter than me and half the weight. His skin was more yellow than usual. His pale and lanky appearance resembled something from the Twilight series… or so I would assume since I have yet to watch/read any of the movies/books. Although his physical body looked as though he would be more inclined to invite a child into his van for some “free candy” I watched as he started to jog to catch up to the elderly woman.
Seeing the man go out of his way to catch up to this woman, I started to feel guilty. Not only would I not help this woman, but I judged another man by his appearance. I (to myself) accused him of being a predator instead of do-gooder. I started to pray for forgiveness when I heard a scream. I looked up to see the “do-gooder” running off from the woman with her purse in hand. I am sure what my vocal cords meant to say at this point was, “Stop!” or “I can’t believe my eyes!” but instead they seemed to release the words that sounded much more like, “I knew it!” I watched as this man came running towards me with his new purse firmly clasped in his right hand. The woman started to chase the man, but quickly gave in to her age and weak knees. I was faced with a choice. I could stand in front of the man in hopes that my shear size would intimidate him and cause him to repent of his latest treachery, or I could tuck away in a doorway and pretend to be oblivious to the entire situation. I suppose a third option would be to face the man and physically over power him, but who knows what weapons the man was hiding?!? It is unlikely the man had a gun, as they are illegal in Korea. He could have had a knife or possibly even a taser of some sort. I realize now the likelihood of this man having any of these weapons was very slim, but I was in the moment and could not be expected to think reasonably.
I made a choice. I tucked away behind a car where neither the man nor the old woman could see me. Now, before you cast judgment on my cowardly ways please allow me to finish. I could hear the man getting closer 15 yards and then 10 yards. His steps were getting heavier and his breathing shorter. Suddenly, as if cued by some onlooker my ipod changed songs. The all-to-familiar “Eye of the Tiger” began to play. I grabbed the top of my already closed umbrella and like a major league pitcher who just received the sign for his final pitched I nodded to myself and began to spring into action. His footsteps were here. It was time. I stuck my umbrella handle out and hooked his ankle. The man, surprised by the sudden sensation of his feet being entangled and the sudden appearance of an American giant, took one last breathe before flying through the air. I pulled hard enough for the man to find himself completely horizontal and three feet off the ground. His landing was much less graceful than his takeoff. One hand was under his stomach which, upon landing, caused his breath to be knocked out. The man lay there, gasping for air and groaning. The old woman caught up to us screaming in Korean. The man continued to groan in the universal language of “Oh’s” and “Ah’s.” I used my umbrella to pick up the purse by the strap and give it back to the original owner. The music playing in my ears had reached a pinnacle as the man started to roll over. “It’s the eye of the tiger it’s the thrill of the fight…” It didn’t seem like the man had fully learned a lesson at this point so I stepped on his right should and stuck the point of my umbrella in his collar bone. As the man’s eyes grew large I asked him in true Bruce Willis fashion, “Have you ever had a tracheotomy?” He took one last dramatic gulp as I yelled and opened my umbrella leaving him temporarily blinded and permanently afraid (and most likely a little moist in the britches). He scrambled to his feet, throwing the umbrella to the side. He looked frantically for me, but found nothing. Suddenly he felt himself under attack once again. It was the elderly woman hitting him with her purse and yelling Korean profanities. He ran off through an alley way. When he was gone I stepped back onto the crime scene from behind a bush. I picked up my umbrella and inspected it one last time before continuing my journey home.
Many people ask me when I heard God’s call and how I knew it was real. I can without a doubt say that was the day I felt God’s calling on my life to be a secret agent.
Of course, none of that is true (the morning calisthenics should have been the first tip off). Well, I take that back. I was sword fighting with my umbrella on the way home. Besides, that story is way better than what really happened yesterday as I walked home. You probably wouldn’t even read that story. …Although, it does include a magical dragon and two small children.
